


Upgrade

by Finnspiration



Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Bagels, Chronic Pain, Domestic, Eugene has a lot of thoughts, Feelings, M/M, Start of Relationship, Sweet, soft, there is sex but you don't get to see that part, zagene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 20:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16730262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finnspiration/pseuds/Finnspiration
Summary: “I thought that was part of the benefit of dating a guy, you didn’t have to guess and play games," said Zach.





	Upgrade

**Upgrade**

_by Finnspiration_

 

Zach, with his mouth still full of toothpaste, called from the bathroom, “Eugene, do you want me to stay or go?” He popped his head out of the doorway, looking at Eugene. His hair was sticking up and he had toothpaste bubbles visible around his mouth as he brushed. He didn’t have his glasses on, so he probably couldn’t even see Eugene’s expression, but he was looking at him, waiting for an answer.

“What?” Eugene had no idea what to say and wanted to play for time. Zach was just asking like that, no subtlety at all?

“I’ll do either. Don’t play games, just tell me what you want.” Zach disappeared back into the bathroom. Sounds of spitting and industrious gargling played as the background music to Eugene’s whirling thoughts.

What did he want? He wanted things he didn’t know how to admit to himself, let alone dare ask for.

Zach emerged from the bathroom, still without his glasses. His walk was confident, and he was already talking. Eugene took a moment to take him in, small and hairy and beautiful. Eugene felt the same soft, helplessly affectionate feelings as before, but without the zinging of want from earlier.

It had helped to sleep with him--helped the thing burning between them to sizzle back to embers--but it sure hadn’t changed his feelings of warmth. If anything, they were worse.

Zach continued, “I thought that was part of the benefit of dating a guy, you didn’t have to guess and play games. You could just say what you mean and what you want without sugar coating it.”

He got back into bed beside Eugene, pulling the covers up over his briefs, and frowned at Eugene, like Eugene was letting him down in the full bi experience. “Isn’t that how it works?”

Now Eugene finally heard the insecurity in his voice. He leaned closer to kiss the side of Zach’s face, cupping his head gently. Zach turned into the movement and made it into a real kiss.

He tasted like toothpaste, and Eugene felt giddy and wonderful, kissing him again. They hadn’t fucked that out of their system, either. And Zach had said dating.

He drew back, but kept his hands on Zach, fingers gently stroking his neck. It was hard to get enough of touching this guy, now that he was allowed.

“Dating? Is that what you want?” Eugene asked.

Zach blinked, looking hurt and a little confused. “Well, yeah, man. I thought--I mean, if you don’t want to, if that’s--if this is just a hookup.” He cleared his throat, and punched Eugene lightly. “Then you gotta tell me, man! That’s all! It’s supposed to be less confusing, not more!”

Eugene drew him closer, wrapping his arms around Zach, wanting to soothe and comfort him. He wasn’t trying to put Zach on edge, but it was hard to open up and really talk about any of this. “I’m not used to talking about things right away. To be honest, I’ve never found men to be any less complicated than women.”

Sometimes, they were more complicated. Most women were honest about wanting romantic relationships, if they did. At least with themselves. Sometimes guys told themselves all kinds of shit about staying unattached. Whether they meant it or not they got to find out, later...or spend their lives trying to hide from what they actually wanted. Maybe sex with another guy wasn’t an experiment; maybe they were actually quite interested, if only society didn’t have so much disapproval. If only there wasn’t so much risk, of family and friends looking down on you...of everything that might go wrong or be too hard.

“This was a pretty big deal for me too, Zach,” said Eugene.

“Why? You’ve been with guys before.” He still sounded hurt, and even more unsure now.

Eugene was handling this all wrong. Why couldn’t he be suave? Why couldn’t he get this right? Not that he thought Zach wanted him to be suave or say all the right things; he just wanted to talk about all of it, honest, soul-baring, and real no matter what it cost.

It could cost a lot. To try to put all the things he felt towards Zach into words? A challenge at the least--maybe even impossible.

Zach lived and breathed words. Eugene tended to show how he felt, not say it. Saying things--real things--could be so dangerous. With words, there was only so much you could dance around the truth without actually lying. And once it was out, once you’d really shared how you felt, if you felt everything and they felt nothing, you’d put your whole heart out there for someone to break.

His heart was pounding and he felt a sick, dry fear in his gut. It was really hard to admit needing or wanting someone; it was doubly hard with a guy, and when it meant so damned much.

But being with Zach--as he’d known it would--required reserves of trust, patience, and honesty he didn’t know if he had in him. Maybe it was time to find out.

“I want you to stay tonight,” said Eugene, because if he didn’t get that out, Zach might get up and stalk off before he got to say anything more.

“Good! Great! Because I’m getting too tired to drive, so I’d have to hire a ride. That was some really great sex, Eugene. It was really fun! If I’d known it could be so fun, I would have tried it sooner.”

Eugene swallowed back the miserable impulse of jealousy, imagining an enthusiastically sexual Zach, getting it on with a bunch of hot guys, possibly all at once, laughing joyfully as he threw himself into the full expression of his latent attraction to guys. He could’ve done it in college and been totally jaded with men by the time Eugene met him. Hell, Eugene got pretty jaded by guys sometimes and he was very into guys. Zach had at least as much attraction to women, and there was no denying there were advantages to dating women.

They were usually softer, cleaner, and smelled nice. Women could be dangerous in their own ways, but they usually weren’t dangerous in as many ways as men. Also, society didn’t give you shit about sleeping with women, even lots of women. In fact, it was supposed to make you more of a man. Women shouldered more of the risk during sex, like pregnancy, and were just generally, most of the time, so much less risky. There also wasn’t that lurking fear of “Is this guy pos? Am I at risk?” in the back of your head.

Obviously Eugene practiced safe sex, no matter who he was with, but there was no denying women were easier--and that he was still most of the time, in most ways, attracted to guys.

He put an arm around Zach tentatively. “So it was a good experience.”

“You know it was.” Zach’s voice was warm and rich now, as he turned in towards Eugene in a hug, resting his head on Eugene’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around him loosely. It was such a giving, trusting hug, a hundred percent Zach, so open and free with his warmth, so unable and unwilling to hide how he felt. In spite of himself, Eugene’s throat closed up.

Zach wasn’t closing off the friendship side of their relationship, but leveling it up. He wasn’t splitting friendship and sex into two things, or making this into something he could deny later and pretend he hadn’t enjoyed. It was just him, here, in this moment--real and engaged.

Zach was a big upgrade from a lot of the guys Eugene had been with--like the ones who thought he was too intense, or too much, or fun to ride but not to get to know, who thought he was too weird or dark or too much of a nerd--or the ones who wanted to try dick but not think about it too much later. Zach, as usual, wanted to think and talk about everything--and probably analyze it to death before they were ready for another round. But at least he didn’t hide or spew bullshit, and obviously he wasn’t going to treat Eugene like a dirty old sock to throw away. The respect and warmth between them remained. It felt as strong as ever, something real to cling to, a reason for optimism.

“Good. I’m glad.” Eugene cleared his throat. “Can we talk about the rest of it tomorrow? I’m really tired, too.”

“What, if we’re dating or not?” Zach’s laugh was spontaneous and affectionate--really good to hear right now. It sounded confident, like Zach could trust him and wait for answers, not have to know everything right away. “I’m glad to sleep with you, Gene. In both senses.” He snuggled down into the bed, and Eugene joined him.

Of course Zach wanted to cuddle. Zach loved cuddling. Eugene told himself it would be rude not to. It was the least he could do.

#

If he’d expected Zach to wake up all cuddly and sunny and grinning, Eugene was very much mistaken. Zach, waking up, was like a cleanup from a disaster area. Slow, aching, painful, every step taking longer than expected. It was strangely devastating to watch, to know he couldn’t take this part of the day away for Zach or carry it for him.

“Do you need anything? Can I help?”

“Tea, painkillers. I gotta--just give me a minute.” He paused partway through getting out of bed and rested, clearly and visibly struggling with pain. He looked more serious than usual, and so vulnerable.

“Was it, the, uh, exertion of last night?” Eugene felt so guilty.

Zach shot him an amused look. “You can say sex, Eugene. How are you bashful? You?”

“I’m not always as confident as I act.” He thought about adding “you know that,” but maybe Zach didn’t. Instead he ran a hand down Zach’s arm, kissed his temple, and moved away to fetch him painkillers and make him some tea.

Zach made it into the bathroom after the painkillers. He said it would help if he took his shower now and limbered up a little, while they started to kick in. No, he didn’t want any help in the shower. He could handle it himself. “Don’t you have to take care of your dogs?” he asked pointedly.

Eugene finally got the hint and stopped hovering. But he still felt terrible about Zach’s pain. It wasn’t always this bad, was it? He really needed to not overdo.

Actually, Eugene had thought they hadn’t overdone anything, but maybe it was different for Zach. Maybe he had regrets.

 _Is this why he doesn’t date more? He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this?_ Or an even worse thought: couldn’t the people he dated handle this? Maybe they took the first excuse to head for the exit.

There was no denying that Zach could be A Lot. But there was so much that was wonderful about him, for someone to run away because he dealt with pain...well, that would be super shitty. People being shitty didn’t surprise him, but he still hated it, especially when it hurt people he cared about.

Zach sat on the bed with a towel wrapped around himself, sipping the tea and looking damp and more awake when Eugene got back from walking the dogs. He sat beside Zach and rubbed his back a little, not saying anything while Zach drank his tea and slowly pulled himself together.

“You’re feeling guilty, aren’t you?” said Zach, putting the mug down after he’d finished. “You don’t need to. It isn’t your fault.”

“I can be nice to you without feeling guilty,” protested Eugene.

Zach wasn’t deterred from his point. “This isn’t about you. It’s just the reality of dealing with chronic pain. It would be bad if I was at home, too.”

“But there’s levels.”

“Yes, there’s levels, and things can affect it, but that’s not the whole picture, so please don’t make this about us.”

 _Us_. Eugene felt a little spark of something like static electricity through his body. They were an _us_. “It’s not my bed? It’s not too firm?”

“No. Nothing to do with you. You don’t usually see me till I’m more pulled together, that’s all. Especially on bad days.” He looked at Eugene, a startlingly frank look. “Does that freak you out?”

Eugene swallowed. He needed to be as honest as Zach was, even if it hurt. “I don’t like to see you in pain. But that’s all. I’m not scared of this. I’m not planning to run. I just don’t want to make it worse.”

“Well, you’re not. You even got tea for me, so I didn’t have to shuffle out to the kitchen.”

“You should have an electric kettle beside your bed, in your bedroom, and things set up ahead of time so you can make tea without getting out of bed in the morning.”

“I should do a lot of things. I’m not that organized. I can barely find a pair of matching socks some days.”

“Let me help you. I can set things up so they’re easier.” He looked at Zach pleadingly. Yes, he knew he was probably being too pushy--Zach often told him he was too bossy--but he didn’t know how to express that this was the way he worked. This was how he showed he cared, by doing things for people. Deeds, not words. He hoped Zach wouldn’t just get offended and tell him to buzz off.

There was so much he could help Zach with. He could help Zach pick out his outfits on days he wanted to look the most impressive, he could help him with things physically on days when his pain was bad. He could help Zach get organized and be his backup for literally anything that mattered to him, help him achieve his goals and plans and dreams.

Zach complained about Eugene trying to fix him or make him over, like Eugene wanted to change him, but it wasn’t that at all, not really. Eugene had very firm ideas of how Zach should dress and present himself, but it all circled back to an essential truth: Zach was awesome and people shouldn’t be allowed to miss that.

Presenting Zach in a different way wasn’t about changing him, it was about letting the world see the awesome guy he really was and not dismiss him. That was how Eugene felt about it, how he approached trying to upgrade Zach. But Zach, needless to say, didn’t always see it that way.

Zach opened his mouth to say something, then gave Eugene a rueful smile instead. “Sure, Gene. you can help me set up a tea station. And organize my socks, if you want.”

Eugene’s smile felt too big and shy and soft. He looked away and fiddled with the bed sheets. “Thanks. You want me to help you pick an outfit today? I mean from my things.” Zach hadn’t brought a change of clothes when he’d come over last night, obviously. They hadn’t been planning what happened. “You won’t want to wear those wrinkled things again.”

“The jeans are probably okay, but yeah. Pick me out some stuff to borrow. Thanks.” He smiled at Eugene in a lazy, satisfied way, like he knew exactly what was going through Eugene’s head. He probably didn’t. Probably.

Eugene hopped up and moved to his closet. For once, he got to dress Zach! And in Eugene’s things. Maybe nobody else would know, but it would be extremely satisfying to see Zach wearing his clothes all day at work: an undeniable mark of what they were becoming to each other.

“Okay, so I was thinking striped briefs…” He moved from the closet to open his underwear drawer. “Blue ankle socks and maybe a v-neck. Or are you more in the mood for long sleeves?”

“Ha!” Zach pointed at something in the closet, triumph in his voice.

Eugene glanced at him uncertainly. Did Zach think something he owned was worth laughing at?

“That’s my shirt! I wondered where it went! Are you stealing my stuff again, Eugene?”

“Borrowing. I’m borrowing your stuff.” Eugene went back to Zach, a little bit of a waltz in his step, took hold of his face and gave him a quick, soft kiss on the lips, then smiled down at him. “This one looked better on me.”

“They all look better on you! That’s not a fair comparison! Fuck, Eugene, you’re the hottest guy in the city. Maybe the country. Maybe the fucking world! I can’t compete with that. You can’t use that as an excuse to steal my clothes or I’d have nothing left.”

“You’d have to walk around naked and show everyone your dick,” said Eugene, back at the closet again picking through his things in a creative fervor. He so rarely had a blank and willing canvas in Zach. “You’d look hot in this.” He held up a shirt. “What do you think, do you feel like wearing blue today?”

“As long as you don’t make me look like Keith, all blue squares.” He laughed at his own joke, that wonderful laugh of his, so bright and alive. It could make any day better.

“As if I owned any Keith shirts!”

“You have flannel. That has squares.”

“I do. I look great in plaid.” Paired with the correct accessories--bandana, hat, hiking boots etc.--it was a look: butch and outdoorsy, like a fashionable, huggable lumberjack. “But it’s not really flannel weather.” And Zach didn’t wear much flannel even when it was. He needed to feel comfortable in whatever Eugene picked for him, not awkward or unlike himself. It was an upgrade, not a makeover.

“No,” agreed Zach. “Hey, I’m going to go get something to eat in your kitchen, okay?”

“Let me get it. You sit there till you’re ready.”

“If I don’t start moving, it’ll be harder later.” They both grinned at the unintended innuendo. Zach waved a hand at him. “I can do it. Just pick out my outfit. Do you have anything good to eat or is it all alcohol?”

“I have bagels,” said Eugene, ignoring the alcohol comment.

“Perfect! I love bagels!”

Eugene hid his little smile. He knew that. It was the only reason he bought them. They reminded him of Zach, the biggest bagel fan he knew.

Zach was not by any stretch of the imagination a picky eater. He was more of a ‘try anything once’ kind of guy. But there was a lot of stuff he couldn’t eat because of his food allergies. So if Eugene could have something on hand that he knew he could safely offer Zach, he was more than glad to keep that on hand, whether he ever needed to or not. And today, the opportunity had arrived, and he was prepared.

Also, eating bagels made him think of Zach. Bagels weren’t his everyday fare, but when he felt especially lonely for Zach because he was away traveling, eating one made Eugene feel slightly less lonely. So did wearing one of the pieces of clothing he’d liberated from Zach’s closet. While it might be a bit pathetic, anything that reminded him of Zach was a thing worth having in his life.

_Until he finds someone better and breaks your heart. Then what are you going to do? Try to cut out everything that reminds you of him and move to France?_

As if even that would work. Some days, everything made him think of Zach.

After a few minutes of outfit picking (for Eugene) and kitchen puttering (for Zach), Zach called to him, sounding self-conscious, “Hey Eugene? Do you have anything that’s non-dairy to put on the bagel?”

Eugene thought. He put down the pair of his ripped jeans he’d been trying to convince himself Zach would fit, and headed out to the kitchen. “What do you want? Some kind of margarine spread?” He didn’t keep it on hand, but he could go out and buy some, if Zach needed it.

“No, most of that stuff has a little dairy in it too.” He made a face. “Just some jelly or something? Even peanut butter? Anything I won’t feel sick on. I just don’t like eating naked bagels.”

“Oh. I have jam and marmalade.” He moved past Zach, putting a gentle hand on the small of his back as he passed him, and got into the fridge. He could feel Zach watching him, which made him feel self-conscious but also like showing off. He wiggled his ass a little, and Zach snort-giggled.

“You’re cute when you’re being domestic,” observed Zach.

“Thank you.” Eugene grinned as he brought out two jars from the back of the fridge. He didn’t eat it often, but he bought the good stuff. “They’re both from France. Actually, I have another flavor in the cupboard. I’ll go and check.”

“No, this is great. Wow, you buy the good stuff!” Zach’s brows rose as he selected the orange marmalade. “You’re classy as fuck, Eugene.”

Eugene felt a laugh bubbling up inside of him. He leaned in quick and kissed Zach. “I know I am, hot stuff.” And then he did laugh, only barely restraining himself from executing a dancer’s leap across the kitchen from sheer joy. Instead, he put away the jam, started his coffee, and got himself a bagel as well so he could share breakfast with Zach.

“I hope you picked me a great outfit,” said Zach, spilling crumbs as he spoke. He was eating one of the world’s least messy breakfasts, and he was still making a huge mess. Eugene didn’t mind even a little bit.

“I don’t have time to try on eight things, Eugene.”

How well he knew Eugene! “I’ll hold them up and you can decide what you like best,” said Eugene, not even trying to pretend he hadn’t come up with a bunch of different options already. “That’ll be quicker than trying everything on.”

“Okay. I’ve got to do some stretches, and I have some errands to run before work. But I’ll see you there?” He raised his brows, looking at Eugene with a frank, open expression that was only a bit tentative. Staying the night had made him less unsure where he stood, even if they hadn’t actually had that whole boyfriend discussion.

“Of course.”

“And after…?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Eugene’s voice sounded soft as he answered, and his smile felt especially fond as he looked at Zach.

Zach smiled as well, big and bright. “Great. I’d like that.” He took another decisive crunch of bagel.

Eugene debated with himself. He didn’t want to be suffocating, but if Zach wanted help… “Do you need a hand with the errands?”

“No, no, I just gotta pick up a prescription and grab a couple of things.” He gestured to the table, almost knocking over his second mug of tea. “Maybe also some of this marmalade, because this is fucking dope.”

“Okay.” Eugene took a sip of coffee, and a bite of bagel, but he was too full of nervous energy to sit down and eat properly. He went back to the bedroom and returned with a couple of outfits, holding them up in turn. “Do you like this, or this?” It would be like an outfit-off, two outfits going head to head till they were down to a few final contestants.

_Head to head...or thread to thread._

Actually, that would be an awesome idea for a Try Guys video. They could do a fashion video with him in charge for once. But who would be the judge if he picked the outfits? Maybe it needed a little more thought.

“Zach? Which outfit?”

“Huh? Oh! Uh--that one.” Zach pointed randomly, his face looking a bit flushed.

Eugene grinned, suddenly feeling taller than Keith, the tallest guy in town. “Were you looking at me instead of the clothes?”

“I can’t help it! You’re hot, okay?” He took another aggravated bite of bagel. “You fucking know you’re hot,” he grumbled. “It’s completely unfair how hot you are.”

 _You’re not so bad yourself._ Zach still had the towel wrapped around his waist, but his chest was deliciously bare. Now that he didn’t have so much pain in his eyes, he looked so hot to Eugene.

“Wanna have sex again? I’ll do all the work,” offered Eugene.

“Damn it, Eugene. Yes. But we’ll be late.”

“Not if you’re quick.” He made a snap decision. “I’ll pick your outfit. Finish that quick. I’ll blow you and drive us both to work.” He didn’t want to make Zach drive right afterwards, in case he was too wrung out. But he also didn’t want to hold back; he wanted to give Zach the best damn blowjob of his life. “We can pick up your prescription on the way.”

“You’re so bossy!” said Zach, but his face was flushed, and he looked excited in spite of himself. “Don’t just take over my life!”

“I wouldn’t.” Eugene moved in and gave him a quick kiss. “I just want to help. Tell me to stop when I go too far.” He smoothed a hand down Zach’s soft chest hair. “I want to upgrade you, not change you.”

Zach’s huffed little laugh was both pleased and embarrassed. He took another quick bite and gave Eugene a big thumb’s up. A Zach who was too embarrassed to talk was a rare thing indeed. Eugene gave him a bright smile and floated back to the bedroom, walking on air.

He picked a cute outfit at random and gathered up Zach’s jeans and Yeezys. There was no real way Zach could fit Eugene’s trousers; they were different sizes. But everything else should work fine.

“Eugene?” called Zach. “What’s taking so long? I thought you were gonna suck me off.”

“Gladly.” Eugene walked out to the kitchen to see Zach hurriedly finishing his tea, his eyes bright and shining with excitement. Eugene set the clothes aside grandly and shimmied his way to the floor in front of Zach, grinning up at him wickedly. This was his territory now, and he was sure of himself--very sure. He could make it quick but still great.

“God, I love you,” said Zach, an embarrassed little mumble, as he reached for Eugene’s face, unable to keep from touching him. Gentle fingers stroked cheeks and hair.

Eugene had been with a lot of guys, but he couldn’t remember when he’d felt so treasured and appreciated.

 _I love you more than I know how to handle_. Eugene opened the towel and proceeded to take Zach apart, showing him in deeds instead of words just how he felt. He would do anything for this man. Maybe he’d actually get to keep him, and show him that.

 

 

 

 

_< fin> _


End file.
